Episode 10: How to Love Like Jesus - In Marriage

If we’re being honest, this Family Series is evolving as we go along.  Last week we looked at the role of the wife in the home and while we were studying and researching the family and the home, we were struck with the amount of marriages that are struggling right now or may experience a time that is difficult and there is so much that we wanted to discuss, so we felt that we needed to give this topic it’s own episode.  In our research we discovered so much that is pertinent to this topic so let’s begin by discussing the statistics of marriage.

Divorce Statistics - 

Almost 50% of marriages will end in divorce

41% of 1st marriages

60% of 2nd marriages

73% of 3rd marriages

Every 42 seconds there is 1 divorce in America this means 86 divorces In an hour, 2,046 divorces in a day, 14,364 divorces per week, 746,971 divorces In a year!

Avg age going through 1st divorce - 30

65% are ages 25-39 (highest group of our listeners are between the ages of 35-44) (25-34)

Wives most often file for divorce 75% of the time 

Types of groups getting divorced: lower income, aligned with a non Christian faith

Why? Lack of commitment, argue too much, infidelity, Married too young, unrealistic expectations If a person has strong religious beliefs, the risk of divorce is 14 percent less and having no religious affiliation makes you 14 percent more likely to get divorced.

And while all of this is a lot to take in, the great news is that God has given us some great tools to help us in restoring relationships and healing our marriages.

One thing you can do is seek counseling together. 

When we were being coached and trained on counseling with couples, we were given this illustration.  Think about your car - we take such good care of our cars don’t we, we understand how valuable they are - so we maintain them, send them in for regular maintenance, get the oil changed, tires rotated, gas each week, some of us are better at this than others but we wash it and vacuum it out and what do we do if a warning light comes on? We’re calling up a mechanic right away, we don’t wait for more lights to come on or give it time to break down on the side of the road, we get help immediately…so why with our marriages are we not handling them with such care?  Most of the time, people do not call us at the onset of a problem, they call us when they are in full blown crisis mode - someone’s packed their bags, filed for divorce, etc.  But what would happen if when those warning lights started coming on, we sought help immediately.  Counseling doesn’t always have to mean you’re on the verge of divorce but it’s giving your marriage the maintenance that it needs to bring it back to life before it’s too late and if more people would care for their marriage like they do their cars, the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high.

 So let’s talk about some practical things you would discuss with couples whether they’re in crisis or call you for maintenance on their marriage.

We were trained with a particular marriage counseling program but over the years we’ve adapted what we learned to create what we feel are the 3 pillars of marriage - Faith, Family and Finances. - Faith is our relationship to God, Family is our relationship with each other and Finances is our relationship with our resources.

So first let’s talk about how our faith influences our marriage.

Last week, we talked about the verse of scripture from 2 Cor. 6:14-18 - Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers - But if you’re married to a lost person, you are already in a covenant with your spouse.  However, we discuss with both parties the importance of their relationship continuing to grow in the Lord - and remember the illustration of the triangle, the more you both are seeking the Lord, the closer you will be brought together.  This is where being on the same page when it comes to your faith is important.  But also remember, that if your spouse is lost, as we talked about last week, he can be won to the Lord by your chaste conversation - stay dedicated to honoring the Lord in your marriage. Pray about the specific issues you’re having in your relationship, surround yourself with others who will encourage you in your marriage not people that push you to want to leave, remain faithful in reading God’s Word because He will use it to speak to you. This is where God will reveal to you if there’s something in your heart and mind that you need to repent from and turn away.

Then when talk about our Family - our relationship with each other we recognize that we all come into marriage with our own belief of what marriage is, or what we think it should be and this is based on the home that we grew up in - Maybe you saw a lot of what not to do or maybe your parents had a great relationship so you want exactly that but your spouse has his own idea of marriage.  This all relates with how you communicate with one another. Mine and Derek’s first big fight ended with me slamming our bedroom door - not that I had seen that in my home but I had to let out my frustration and anger in the moment - he came in immediately - I know you’re mad - but this is not how we’re going to handle arguments in our home - last door I slammed - we decided early on that while we know we will not always disagree, we do have to agree to be respectful and if slamming doors was offensive to Derek then I wasn’t going to do it - set boundaries in your communication early on - no name calling, take a time out if it’s getting too heated, NEVER throw punches on either end, etc. and it’s always a good idea to heed the advice from the Bible from - Ephesians 4:26-27 - Be ye angry and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath: neither give place to the devil.

Have you ever been there? You’re so mad…why did he do that? Why did he say that? Why would he talk to me like that and while you’re lying there trying to go to sleep your mind is racing with more reasons why you’re mad or one liner comebacks - the devil is taking root in your mind

We know that one of the biggest issues in marriages is the lack of intimacy.

1Corinthians 7:5 Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency. (self control) One of the best resources we have recommended many times in marriage counseling is the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman - it’s an oldie but a goodie.  So, let’s talk about what those 5 love languages are:

Love languages - both sides should know their spouses love language. These are very important words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. We all have a primary and secondary.  My primary would be acts of service and my secondary quality time.  I love leann Morgan and in one of her comedy skits she does this bit about love languages where she’s talking about you need to understand your husbands love language because if his love tank is on empty he’ll be standing at the water fountain one day at work and some hussy will come up and start speaking his love language to him and make him all tingly inside lol! It sounds so menial but it’s so important.  Your spouse's love language may not come easy to you and likewise it may not be easy for your husband to speak your love language.  Don’t expect that he’s going to just automatically know how to speak your love language you need to make sure this is directly communicated - for example if your love language is gifts your husband may think I can’t believe I have to buy her something all the time to make her happy but you need to elaborate to him that it’s not the cost of the gift it’s the thought it could be as simple as if he’s checking out in the grocery store and he sees your favorite candy bar, or stopping by on his way home and picking up your favorite milkshake tell him those little things show that he’s thinking about you and those are the things that fill your love tank.  I bet if you figure out what your spouse's love language is and you begin to fill that love tank, he will find it easy to reciprocate with your love language.  Just give it a shot!

And finally we discuss Finances - our relationship with our resources

Many studies would suggest that money is the number one cause of divorce, while we would argue that communication would be the biggest factor, we also recognize that a lack of communication in regards to finances is probably one of the most common reasons there are arguments in marriage.  Once again, we all have an idea of how we want to handle our finances going into marriage but we don’t always communicate those ideas with each other causing friction along the way - and a lot of times it’s not a big deal until kids are in the picture or until our finances become a struggle but then it’s too late to get back on track.  In our own marriage this has evolved over the years.  We were both young professionals who “had our own money.” We each had bills we were responsible for and then we could do whatever we wanted with the rest - recipe for disaster in my own opinion - when we came together with our finances, we saved more, we held each other accountable, less resentment about purchases because we thoroughly discussed large purchase/prayed over those decisions and made those purchases together. But regardless of how you handle your finances, you need to be on the same page/in agreement with one another.

It’s so important to exhaust all resources before choosing divorce 50% of people that have went through  divorce have regrets many times that’s not the answer a marriage takes work and nobody has ever said it’s easy.  Both parties have to be willing to give and take - sometimes it’s going to be 90%/10% and others it may be 100/0% 

In most cases, by the time a couple calls on a counselor it’s virtually unsalvageable - both parties have got to be willing to work at it and try but too many times one or both are done and just coming to say they tried. That’s why it’s important to maintain that marriage before it’s too late.

What’s the purpose?

We talked about last week how marriage was ordained by God - not man-made. The coming together of 2 people in a marriage covenant is beautiful and a blessing/gift from the Lord and we want to encourage you to take it seriously, with dedication and devotion.   Matthew 19:4-8 - Jesus answered and said unto them, Have ye not read that he which made them from the beginning made them male and female, And said, For this cause shall a man leave father and mother and shall cleave to his wife: and they twain shall be one flesh?  Wherefore they are no more twain but one flesh. What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder.  They say unto him, Why did Moses then command to give a writing of divorcement, and to put her away?  He saith unto them, Moses because of the hardness of your hearts suffered you to put away your wives but from the beginning it was not so. We want to encourage you today put in the work - do everything you can to preserve the beautiful gift of marriage that God has given you.

What’s our challenge for today?

This week do what you need to do to put in the work for your marriage - Schedule a date night, maybe call a Christian marriage counselor, surprise your spouse by speaking their love language.  Don’t wait until it’s too late-start today! As a final thought, let’s talk about making time for your spouse - schedule date nights, alone time, etc.

Thank you so much for your love and support - as always remember a sincere desire to become purposeful women of God starts with changing focus from me to thee.  God bless from our hearts to yours! See ya!